The Last One

"A mother's body remembers her babies--the folds of soft flesh, the softly furred scalp against her nose. Each child has its own entreaties to body and soul. It's the last one, though, that overtakes you. I can't dare say I loved the others less, but my first three were all babies at once, and motherhood dismayed me entirely. . . .
But the last one: the baby who trails her scent like a flag of surrender through your life when there will be no more coming after--oh, that's love by a different name. She is the babe you hold in your arms for an hour after she's gone to sleep. If you put her down in the crib, she might wake up changed and fly away. So instead you rock by the window, drinking the light from her skin, breathing her exhaled dreams. Your heart bays to the double crescent moons of closed lashes on her cheeks. She's the one you can't put down."

-Barbara Kingsolver   My friend put this up on facebook and as I read it I couldn't help but think of my sweet Hadley.  I have soaked in her babyhood like I can't remember doing with any of my babies before.  I love the line, "love by a different name" because I don't love my other children less, but I appreciate so much more her baby-ness and innocence and how truly amazing a baby really is.  Does that mean she is my last?  Part of me says yes, she is it, our final baby.  But I can't deny that I have had daydreams of another little boy, I even thought up what I would name him and could have swore maybe I was already pregnant with how strongly I seemed to feel the need for another baby, but I am not pregnant and we are not ready for another one, and I don't know if Rob will ever be ready for another.  And those feelings may or may not fade or go away altogether with time.  So for now I will continue to cherish my sweet baby who is growing up right before my eyes and loving all her newfound skills.  And I will continue to hold her in my arms long after she has fallen asleep because she is the one I can't put down.