Amazing how quickly things change

On December 11 I found out I was pregnant.  I was so shocked and so was Rob.  I was actually worried to tell him, which hasn't really happened before but we had just had a conversation about being done with having kids, that "5 was crazy and 6 would be insane" in his words.  I was coming to terms with the fact that this was it.  And then I took the pregnancy test and I couldn't believe it, I took 2 more in the next week just to make sure.  I was so emotional, crying over everything especially this Coca-Cola ad going around on facebook, it made me bawl like a baby I was so hormonal.  The night of the 19th we were trying to pack and get ready to leave for Oklahoma the next day and I was so sick, so nauseous I couldn't get out of bed.  Wow, I thought this is crazy!  A few days after we found out we even went and looked at cars, Rob was convinced we would need a new pilot that had more room.  We left for Oklahoma and I had packed along my prenatals and folic acid, and the whole first day of driving we joked and talked about me being pregnant, still in disbelief that it was real.  We got to the hotel that night and went swimming and when we got back to the room I went to the bathroom and saw a little bit of color when I wiped, slightly pink.  I immediately got worried and just felt off the rest of the night.  I told Rob I was worried and I felt crampy.  The whole night I didn't sleep well and kept dreaming of bleeding and cramping and waking up thinking there would be blood all over.  On the morning of the 20th I woke up and went to the bathroom and there was a more color and some bright red drips fell in the toilet.  I went out and climbed next to Rob in bed and told him "I'm bleeding" and just started sobbing.  He held me tight as I sobbed into him and I tried to hide my tears that morning from the kids as we got ready to head out.  I cried a lot the next few days.  It really took until that evening before the bleeding started strong and I had some strong cramping over the next few days.  It was hard not being at home when it happened, being at the hotel and then arriving at Lance and Stephanie's house and pretending like nothing was going on.  I did end up talking to my mom, Steph, and Lynsey while I was there which helped a lot.  I was feeling a lot of guilt about losing the baby, that I hadn't wanted the pregnancy enough, guilt over some relief I felt because of all that another baby would do to us financially and my sanity.  And yet I was so sad because already I had been dreaming of a brother for Wyatt and for holding a sweet baby in my arms again.  Also, when we found out I was pregnant I immediately started calling around to figure out about getting Rob into a urologist to get a vasectomy.  I felt so sure that this would be the last baby I was ready for it to be permanent.  And then I lost the baby and now I don't know again.  Rob still wants to be done, and I feel like I am getting a second chance, like Heavenly Father is saying okay, you choose.  Do you want one more or not.  I think either decision would be acceptable, but I still want to make sure it is what I really want.  It was easy to have fun and have a great week with my family, but now that I am home and writing this it is all coming to the surface again and I am so sad.  But I know the Lord has a plan and I am trusting in that and hoping through prayer to find an answer to whether we should have another baby or not.